I’m choosing to not stress. And yet, it creeps in when things get quiet.

The fact of the matter is, I’m unsure when the stress will end. Because this Coronavirus is turning the world upside down. And I cannot find my way out of the maze of financial distress. My credit cards are maxed out and I don’t have a job. My husband is working, but bringing home less than minimum wage driving Lyft. In three days he has made 21% of his weekly goal, with three days to go. We cannot pay rent on that.

And so my mind sets about solving the puzzle…how to pay the rent, the electric, the Internet, the trash, water, gas, car insurance, health insurance, fuel, and groceries. I’m ending our gym membership, the only stress-release we had AND the only thing we are spending money on that we can actually let go. But I miss the pool and jacuzzi, and the peacefulness they provided.

I’m trying to stay in a supportive mode for my other half. I know he is discouraged. I know he’s doing his best. I know this problem is far bigger than our household. But a helpful stance doesn’t fix the fact that I don’t know what next move to make. Schools are not hiring when the kids are at home. Nannies and sitters are not in demand when parents are being sent home to work or have lost their jobs as well. Every place is cutting back hours and shuttering down for the next few weeks or months. And how will we make it? I have no idea. And that is stressful.

When I’m problem-solving, I’m content. When I’m investing my all in solving problems and we are going downhill anyway, that is depressing. So, like I said, I’m choosing not to stress. And yet, here it is, creeping in during the quiet of the night. And I’m blogging about it to deal with it. Which really solves nothing.

I’m praying that a solution arises that I’m not even imagining in this moment. Because I know that is possible, with God. He’s bigger than this mess and has never left me in my life. So I’m working on shushing the stressful thoughts and choosing to believe in the unknown. And I’ll write about it when the miracle happens.