I’ve been doing okay with this COVID 19 thing until today. Today I felt the burden of the world’s hurt and anxiety weighing on my own heart.

Watching videos out of Italy drilled home the reality of what is coming to America; seeing patients piled up in waiting rooms, heads in makeshift plastic bubbles and gasping for air–the only real sound the dinging of alarms and the bustle of medical personnel rushing from person to person, trying to adjust ventilators and save lives.

Reading an anonymous article (written anonymously by a Louisiana anesthesiologist) described life and death decisions that have to be made–the guesswork of choosing who lives and who dies, based on a point system, sort-of. So if you’re too old, too sick, too fat, too non-responsive to treatment, you may be unplugged for the next guy to have a chance with your ventilator. This really brought reality into our home country. Far closer than beautiful Italy.

Hearing my daughter’s voice, informing me she and her partner were driving 24 hours to a cabin in Missouri to isolate themselves while this blows over hit home even closer. I haven’t seen my daughter in several years…and I cannot see her now, even though I’ll be within a 45 minute drive of her on Sunday? That’s very real.

And then tonight, on the news, I saw young, healthy spring break revelers in Florida, completely disregarding the “hype” of the impending disaster and ignoring the requested self-isolation. What is this? A repeat of the flood? If I recall the story correctly, in the time of Noah people didn’t bother getting on the ark because they couldn’t imagine what was to come—until it was too late.

So as I loaded the dishwasher tonight, I felt fear pushing my brain into a headache response. I thought of how my household goods from Dubai are finally arriving tomorrow. A moment that should be exciting! And yet the first thing I wondered was: Who has touched everything I own since January when customs decided to inspect every object? Who will be coming into my home tomorrow to unload our belongings? What if they are carriers of the virus? I don’t want to be paranoid, but my home has felt safe, having had nobody else in it…until now. The “what ifs” started to overwhelm me; is anything I shipped five months ago worth the risk of obtaining the dreaded virus tomorrow?

I also thought about the car I just bought because I finally got a job, but the job requires transportation. Should I have gotten a loan in such uncertain times? What if my job makes me get sick? I will be a medical courier, delivering COVID 19 tests, pharmaceuticals, and even organ transplants. My destinations will include hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, and houses where various people live. What if I catch COVID 19 on the job? Should I have sat home, unemployed instead? Waiting for my eviction notice? We are living in an unpredictable and unprecedented-in-my-lifetime situation where all the thinking in the world doesn’t provide a clear, safe answer.

Living right now is like strutting across an Afghani mine field…playing games with guns…drinking bleach… Just living near other people is dangerous right now. And yet, I’ve been pretty calm the past few weeks, most of the time. Reading scripture, enjoying positive Facebook quotes, praying to God on high for guidance…all of that has kept me sane and happy. And I want to stay in that place where peace passeth understanding.

But for tonight, my human weakness is showing. While my hubby sleeps and my puppies cuddle, I pray a prayer of protection for our planet in this crazy time and a special extra bit of prayer for my children, my sister, my brothers, my mother, and other family members. Because nobody wants to see loved ones snatched too soon. Nobody wants to see people suffer. And yet my gut knows it’s coming, and it will likely touch someone I know.