Have you ever been pondering an opportunity, examining the pros and cons, thinking you were “maybe” interested… when suddenly, the opportunity was no longer an opportunity and THEN you were left discovering how much you wanted that specific opportunity after all?

If I’m rambling and not sorting verb tenses correctly, it’s because this just happened to me. As in only 35 minutes ago. An interview scheduled for tomorrow has been cancelled because another candidate signed on the dotted line…the candidate that apparently they “really had hoped would sign but didn’t think would” which I now know is why I’d been offered an interview at all.

After being unemployed five months now, the potential of travel, financial stability, and housing had apparently really won my heart over. But all my neat little lists and conversations with my other half and preparations for the interview certainly did not prepare me for the emotions that hit when I rolled over to greet the day, checking email on my phone. And there it was, 24 hours before my big day…the gut wrenching announcement that the interview had now disappeared into nothing. Tears poured uncontrollably. I felt like I’d belly flopped in the pool. I couldn’t breathe.

It’s not easy to hunt for work in my fifties. But I’m still generating bills by existing, so employment is a necessity. It is frightening to wonder, “Do I still have what it takes? Will I find a position that’s a good fit? How will I compete with thirty-somethings who are younger, thinner, prettier, and maybe quicker and smarter, too?” Not to mention watching my credit score drop 68 points as I use Capital One plastic to survive.

So “disappointment” really is putting it mildly. I’m actually devastated. Dreams of pyramids and the Red Sea are replaced with fears of failure and eviction. And so, like many times in my life, I’m facing a crossroads of giving up or plowing on. Since I have family who loves me and a desire to succeed, I’ll no doubt get back up and try again, even today. But, there’s a little part of me that will mourn the loss of what could have been for a little bit longer.